I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
