you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
