i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
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