The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
