She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
