I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
