And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
