how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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