On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Is Oprah even human
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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