alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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