no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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