Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
