I will die if light touches me.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
