Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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