I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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