remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I love you. Go after that dick
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
