After last night, I could never be a politician.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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