Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
