please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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