Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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