what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
My bed smells like the plague
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
