Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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