She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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