my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize