Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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