My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
