I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
