I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
