Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
