are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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