We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
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