You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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