Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Drunk is a universal language darling
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
