my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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