Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize