You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
