420 ftw
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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