Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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