A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
