Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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