When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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