dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
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