Im at strip club and am horny
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
