I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
