Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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