He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
