Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
