he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
