I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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