He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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