worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Randomize
