Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize