Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
