This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
