I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
