Fine. I'll sleep in my office
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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