Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Randomize
