he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
