so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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