I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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