$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
