But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
