you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
